Schooling Troubles

You know those moments when you've realized that you made an odd choice? No not something that you regret so to say, but rather, you wonder why on earth you thought it was a good idea? Okay that sounds a bit like regret, no? Okay let me try to describe it better through a life example:

Earlier this year, I decided to begin applying for college. Wanting to be close to home, I decided to go to the-wait for it-closest college. Just for generals, you understand. Now, in the back of my mind I was fully aware of the fact that this college was religious. I didn't know it was a private college, but I did know its religious background and curriculum. Now me, being an atheist going for a psych degree, thought it was a fantastic idea. And plus with a religious family of my own, I came to the conclusion that the atmosphere could be comforting.

Fast forward to today. I've officially been attending this privately run religious institution for a little over a month, and all is well. But what I've learned through observation is quite sad. In a religion where love and peace is preached, and equality 'among brothers' drilled into the heads of those sitting around the class, no one (or rather not very many) behaves like they should. Now maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm wrong to think that people should actually represent what they believe, and these people have it right. I don't know. But what I do know is that the guy three rows in front of me who keeps looking over his shoulder, should not be watching sexual videos during the prayer time. And the people one row back shouldn't be talking crap about one of their peers.

Now, I don't regret applying to this college, or being accepted, or necessarily being isolated for reasons unknown. I simply wonder what I was thinking that made this school shine so brightly. Maybe it was a moment of 'spiritual weakness', I don't know. I often reflect on what it would have been like if I had chosen a more academically centered institution, or simply waited a year.

This is what I mean by those moments. This was an odd choice for me. Though I have to admit I enjoy watching a Professor say how silly it is for Buddhists to spend their whole life trying to reach Nirvana, when it's pretty much the same thing for them. Or, talk about the devil like he's a boogeyman.

I personally love Buddhists, so I admit my ability to laugh away the Professors commentary may be due to a bias.


A friend of mine recently asked me why I applied to this college in the first place. To which I say this: In my psychology class we learned about the types of studies that can be conducted to gather research. One of which, is an Naturalistic Observation in which the subjects of interest are observed in their natural habitat. Which is precisely what I am doing.

My friend, a Lutheran, was not particularly pleased with my response. She thought I was being cruel by not telling my peers that I was studying them. But would that not cause the Subject-Expectancy Effect? I ask her. Where the subjects alter their behavior to adjust to what you expect?

She stood by her stance, and so did I.

The reason why I have placed myself in a Christian Institution, as an Atheist, is because I desire to learn. I find religions fascinating, and want to know more and more about them and how they exist  and endure for as long as they do. The only way I feel I can do that, is to get up close in personal. If this means I have to fake a paper or two about 'My Spiritual Growth Through God' then so be it. If I have to carry a Bible around with me so no one opens my bag and sees my copy of the Quran, so be it. I won't wear a cross, but I have a few Jesus t-shirts. I may not attend chapel, but I paint faces during church parties.

Some religious folk may title people like me the 'wolf among sheep' but I prefer the term Student.

Well How To Do

There comes a time in everyones life when you have to make a decision. Go to therapy, or get a blog. And I for one, don't have the money to pay someone to listen to the things I already hear myself say each day, so I'll choose the blogging option.

But what would cause me to turn to an invisible audience of zero? Unimaginable boredom? Built up anger from past trauma? Desire to entertain? No, I'd simply like to get all of my thoughts down in one place. I do think about a lot of things though, so I'm not sure if this will become an organized blog, or a messy one. I make no promises.